Run Like a Bumgarner

People often ask me why I run.  I generally say "because I love it," which is likely the easiest and most correct answer, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I got into running many years ago, at the age of 14, when I wanted to run Cross Country at my high-school. At that time, 3-5 miles was a daunting but wonderful feat and it complimented my swimming "career". Running came in and out of my life through my college years, but I would often be coined "the runner" at the gyms I went to because you could usually find me running 1-2 miles on the treadmill before classes, before I lifted weights, or before I did the elliptical. When I got my first job, I started running 5K and 10K races again, because some of my colleagues were doing it... the 10K pushed me to finally "train" and that's where the running passion struck me.  I kept running through pregnancies and eventually set my sights on the half marathon distance and eventually the full marathon, to which I have successfully finished 5. I have run so many miles and races over the years, I feel like an accomplished runner - despite the fact I'm relatively slow.  Not a weekend passes that I don't go out for 10 miles with a friend and I typically run several miles on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays too.

So why do I run? There are many reasons.  Physical, spiritual, emotional, and for soul catharsis... it makes me feel sane. For you see, I have a tough job.  I see a slice of life that others will never see. I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I often cry after we diagnose Autism.  I always cuddle babies extra longer when I hold them at work, because we've lost these same babies over the years.  I often question why I wore white when a home is less clean than my standards.  I try to distance myself from situations, because I am a trained professional --- but I can only distance myself so far because in reality, I am a mother of three and it makes me sad in individual situations.  So I run to find peace in all of this. I run to bring a piece of joy back to my heart. I run to pray for these families.  I run just to be in that moment - to feel sunshine on my back - and to just live.

They say life is short, which is very true... but I think life can be hard in its short duration. By finding joy and peace on my runs, I'm only adding life to my soul and you can't argue with that.

Being a Mother

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel you have to subscribe to everyone's norms? I'll admit, I've lived that life. I constantly feel like the square peg trying to desperately fit into the proverbial round hole... but I rarely fit and it never matters in the end, because to others I'm "cool", "different",  "wise", and "unique". 

I'll be honest here, the hardest role I've ever played though, is that of being a mom.  Society has this definition of a mother --- that she cooks, cleans, looks pretty, never complains, and seems to get it "all done." She's on top of the laundry, knows where everyone's toys are, has a pantry full of goodies, and has time to make it to all of the birthday parties. She's somewhat of a superwoman. But that's not me.  I'm the mother you find rushing home after work and a sweaty run to cook for my family.  We spend the evenings doing yoga together, getting dirty outside, walking the dog, or curled up watching television. I'm the mom who spends Saturdays exhausted because I get up early to run and then spend the rest of the day chasing my kids around the pool, playing at the park, going for a hike, or discovering a cool museum.  I'm the mom with the unorganized home, because I want to show love and compassion to my children and not societal norms. They'll see that in life... but true love and nurture is hard to come by these days. 

Other mothers, other women, even men try to make you feel bad for being a certain way.  There's no right answer.  I'm not saying that being the "perfect" mom is wrong or that being the "crazy" mom (like me) is correct.  All I am trying to point out is that in the end, all that matters is love.  And I've found, from being the mom that I am and not trying to fit into societal norms, I'm able to express love on  a higher level.  Because I am being me and my kids are happy.  Just a thought. 

Alter Ego

A friend recently pointed out to me, that I seem to have an alter ego. Her name is Eartha. Eartha is serious and into radical changes in the world.  She runs, she's a natural beauty, she believes in the ethical treatment of animals, she recycles, and she likely drinks kombucha. Then there's Carly. She's professional, kind, pulled together, pretty, and proper.  See, I thought they were one and the same.  Then it got me thinking... do we code switch, lifestyle switch to adapt to our surroundings? Do we have alter egos that allow us to fit into certain categories? And with those thoughts, I went to nature.

The chameleon came to mind. A chameleon will change his color to hide/camouflage himself from danger, he will even change his color to communicate his intent to his tribe, and he will change his color to submit or give up.  That fact that he changes does not make him less chameleon; it does not make him fake; it does not make him weird or odd --- it makes him chameleon.  There's beauty in nature which adds beauty to life.

This brought me back to me.  I've struggled the past few years with adaptation and change.  I dealt with learning to live on one income, I dealt with being in the wrong job placement for me, I dealt with the loss of a loved one to suicide,  I dealt with toxic friendships, I suffered a severe running injury ... I dealt with struggle after struggle ... and I tried to smile in the midst of it all... because that's Carly -- kind, pretty, and proper.   Then with a switch in mindset and growth,  I learned about abundance... abundance means that life is provided for if you are willing to just let go.  I sought out guidance from a couple of friends who I knew could support me on this journey.  Overnight things changed. I meditated over the thoughts of eventually finding eternal happiness in all aspects of life even if some days would still be hard.  I remembered happy thoughts and tried to tie up the past so I could learn to live in the present.  I read a lot more,  I took time to enjoy my cuppa tea, I listened to others, and I even learned to let go of toxic friendships and learned to relish healthy friendships.  A weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I ran faster -- because I was only focused on running in that present moment... I learned to love more fiercely, because if that single moment is the only one my loved ones remembered of me, then damn it, I'm going to show them love... and I lived freely with no one's rules but my own.  Maybe's that Eartha. I don't know. I think it's likely my higher self and I'm glad she shines brighter these days.

For now I plan to move forward and continue learning... I will continue to grow internally. But only one day at a time, because I'm needed in the present moment --- not the past... I've proven I can adapt to change. And I have a wonderful couple of friends who pointed this all out to me.