Acceptance

I have been watching friends and reading about my birth club acquaintances going into labor all week... some were farther along, some exactly the same, some slightly behind.  I am strangely okay with this. I guess I am so happy for their arrivals and new lives. I could never feel otherwise... One would think I might be jealous. But I am exhilarated!

I have had a chance to clear my mind this week.  I have been productive and accepting. Well, after I cussed a couple of folks, put my doctor on my X-list, and had a pity party most of the day Monday. I feel ready and prepared. Calm and collected.  Even cool as a cucumber.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross described a model that people go through to deal with death. This blog has nothing to do with death, so please bear with me!  In any case, the model proposed five distinct stages. Twin pregnancy has been compared to her model.... seriously.  The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I can honestly say I have been through all five stages. I never imagined I would.

I denied the idea of twins first: It can't be so, it must be a mistake, can the doctor really tell from a sonogram at 8 weeks that there are two in my belly?

Then I was angry: I didn't sign up for this, people who do IVF sign up for this, it was spontaneous for me, how will we ever afford it, why was I selected, damn I'm a bad mother - I hate myself for feeling so angry all the time.  I also became angry at people who weren't pregnant. People who could drink, people who could run, people who could eat turkey subs and sushi, people who didn't have to leave work to go to the doctor every five minutes.

I bargained quite frequently (but for the shortest period of time): for example, with the doctor "I don't need to do the 24 hour test, it can wait, you probably got a false reading today." With myself "well if they make it to so-and-so weeks they'll be okay," or "3 more miles won't hurt me." With my husband and family, "If you take care of Ava today, I'll be ready to rule the world tomorrow." Nah...

Depression hit me when I reached 34-35 weeks.  Twin gestation lasts on average 35.2 weeks.  That is not a good thing, but it is factual. Most twins are born between 35-37 weeks. Each of those weeks came and passed. I was depressed. I thought I was going into labor at least two times, but just had some serious Braxton-Hicks Contractions. That will depress you and put you back into the anger stage, ha!  But at the end of 37weeks, which was just yesterday, I can honestly say I have left that stage. 

Here's to 38 weeks.  I welcome acceptance! I have accepted I have two healthy babies growing inside of me who get stronger everyday. I have amazing support such as my mother.  She prayed that these twins would make it term, that they would be healthy, that this pregnancy would go without complications... she must have a strong connection with God!

I can't be angry or sad that I am still pregnant! I am truly happy to still be carrying my babies! What a gift! Yah me!

(I am as big a barge... but a proud barge of two babies!)