The Journey

I started an Instagram post the other day with "On a path to enlightenment, on a path to liberate your soul, you journey.  Journeys begin with people you meet. Some light fires in your life that last a minute, some even immediately go out... then there are those fires that continue to be lit and burn strong, because those are your people. You may lose people for various reasons throughout your journey because you gain experience; and that's okay because that's life. In fact, you take bits of pieces of these experiences to make you uniquely you. One day, you realize it is all part of the journey." In posting this, I hope it relieves the stress and burden people feel when they lose a loved ones, friends, or other relationships due to "drifting apart" or general discordance.

In the past year, I devoted my time to uncovering relationships and assigning meaning to why I lost certain friends over the years. It used to be "what did I do wrong?" But over the past year, I've discovered that I did nothing wrong - it was just time. Time to move on.  Each unique experience and relationship has made me who I want to be and what I want to share with the world. Those first friendships as a child made me see friendship as fun, exciting, and adventurous; those high-school relationships made me see that friendship requires trust and sometimes others are not loyal; those college friendships helped me see that some friendships are lifelong, rewarding, and uplifting; and my adult friendships are luckily a grand mix of them all and also some of the most educating.

Right now I am on precipice in life where I feel I could fall back and let former things hurt me or I can fall forward into the unknown. It's a rather exciting and frightening time for me.  Yet, I hate the unknown. I have basics covered,  I'm somebody's wife, I own a home, I have a job, I have a dog... but, I am always seeking growth and that's the scary part. Growth requires change. It requires seeing what's right and letting go of what's wrong, including friends.  It requires trusting the unknown. But I see no other option rather than to grow, because I'm a mother and I have to show my kids how to be a strong human. So, here I grow. As I bear my heart to this computer, which will eventually be seen by you guys, I guess I sigh relief. I sigh relief because it's cathartic.  I sigh relief, because it cannot be undone and that's the best I can do.

One year ago, I was hurt the most I have ever been hurt in my entire life. Unimaginably hurt, and I took the fall, to some degree, instead of clearing my soul because I was tired. I was tired of the relationships, the stress, and the drama.  Sure I enjoyed the laughter and fun but I was too exhausted from the negativity to keep going. I just let it go at the time trying to not look back.  Seems that is easier said than done, but I'm a work in progress. Fortunately I had support, of a few dear friends (one who was involved in the situation) and had family and a husband to love me... but I still reel and lose sleep at night over the situation.  I resigned myself to self-discovery and growth mindset.  I set forth to find beauty, love, and freedom. On my journey I found all those things in abundance, in fact, they were there all along, I was just too clouded to see it.

What I hope you take from this is, you are you... and that's perfect. Amazing, kind, and beautiful you.  Just like shoes, some things don't fit -- including friends and sometimes they aren't your taste. Sometimes they feel good for a bit and then all of the sudden don't. But there's plenty more out there that do.  Sometimes by letting that friendship go you allow your friend to grow too and the best things happen for them.  So when you are ready, consent, allow life to happen and go on a journey.  Life will continue without you so why not follow it and be happy?  Do what you need for you because it's healthy and contributes to the highest version of yourself. It's part of your journey.